I often feel guilty about my life. Not the searing, "Oh my Lord, how could I have done that?" guilt. It's more of the "I have something but really don't deserve it" kind of guilt. I am living the life I have dreamed about and prayed about for years.
I'm teaching and speaking to women's groups, writing anything and everything that the Lord puts on my heart, scouring estate sales for the best deals to decorate our home, and offering my time and talents to my church and our community; these are the things that are on my agenda now.
What has surprised me is the realization that to live your dream is often an affront to others, even those people you have counted among your friends. Take for instance, the conversations I had recently with someone I have known for years. A short time ago, she and her husband moved into their first house. I was excited for her and wanted to hear all about it. This is the edited version of our last long distance chat.
Me: "I bet the place is beautiful, you've got such a flair for decorating."
She: "Yes, well it's coming along but when you have to work eight hours a day it doesn't leave you much time for decorating. There's a lot to do and not much time to do it. I don't have the time to decorate that you do."
Me: "That's true but at least decorating is something you not only have a talent for but something you love to do. You've got the worst part-the moving out part over. Now you can enjoy the best part, which is setting up the house. You have so much more space for all your neat stuff. And speaking of space, are you finding it hard to keep up with the cleaning? I had to make some adjustments when we moved into more square footage. Then, having pets always adds to the workload. I vacuum and mop floors constantly so that there is no cat hair to be found. "
She: "Yeah, there's a lot more house work. You probably vacuum every day. I don't have that luxury since I work all day. It's pretty exhausting trying to keep it all clean and tidy when you only have the weekends to do it and all you want to do is get some rest on your only two days off."
Me (trying desperately to steer the course of the conversation in a positive direction before I blurt out, "True, all I do is sit on the sofa eating bon bons and watching soaps, it's a wonder I get anything done") "Well, I'm sure your house is beautiful. When you get a chance I'd love to see some photos!"
I won't bother to describe her response that included references to not having time to take photos because she works eight hours a day.
As amusing as this snippet of conversation might be, it is also very telling. It seems jealousy and envy are enough to destroy any friendship, even those among Christian sisters.
How do we respond when jealousy and envy seep into our hearts like a sewage spill? Go to God. Thank Him first for all that you do have. Talk to Him about what you don't have, what you want. The great thing about talking to God is that you don't have to explain or provide a well thought out argument. God sees right into the depths of our hearts. He knows our motivation, there's no need to give Him our version of things.
Often, God does give us the desires of our heart. Sometimes He shakes His head lovingly as we give him our wish list and says, "You know, those things aren't really good for you. I have some things in mind that are much better." Other times He simply smiles and says, "No, let's let some time pass, let's see where your heart is then and we can talk about this again."
Once we've talked to God, how do we handle that green-eyed monster when it jumps into our head? Acknowledge it's there, then say a prayer and thank the Lord for what we do have. There's nothing wrong in wishing for something that someone else has. What is wrong is becoming angry with the person who has what we want. Attacking them subtly or overtly goes against everything that we are taught in Scripture. You cannot siphon the joy out of someone else's life and fill your own tank up. It will just spill all over the place and just make a big mess.
As for me, I have vowed to throw up a dart prayer every time someone tries to make me feel guilty because I have been blessed. And when I feel the old covet monster trying to creep into my head, I will talk it over with God. Funny how those conversations always seem to shed a bright light on my motives, funny how most of the time what I think I want isn't what I want or need at all!
Finally, I will keep the words of James 4:1-3 in my heart.
"Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way." The Message
I vow to be grateful every day and sing praises to the Lord, because it is pleasant and fitting to praise Him. I do believe He delights in those who fear Him and who put their hopes in His unfailing love.*
*Psalm 147
