Dealing with the loss of a child at birth is an event that haunts you forever. I cannot count the years that I could not bear to go to church on Mother's Day because of the inevitable command from the pulpit. "Let's have all the mothers stand up and be recognized." Was I a mother by technicality? Would I deny my child by not standing up? If I do stand up, will I have to answer too many questions after the service? Taking the path of least resistance, I chose to take a Sunday off, every time Mother's day rolled around.
I waited for many years. I waited for the Lord to bring a man into my life. I waited for another chance to be a mom. I waited, and waited and waited. Just when I had given up all hope, God chose to bring a wonderful man into my life. God did not choose to bring any children, however.
That part of me that so longed to mother turned toward animals. We adopted one rescue cat, then another. When the first two were about eight we adopted two more (they were siblings and well, we just couldn't separate them). These fabulous felines have filled a gap in my heart. They are part of our family. When I am sick, they cuddle next to me in bed. Just when I am taking life (or myself) far too seriously, they do something funny and I am soothed with cleansing laughter.
They greet us in the morning, each taking a turn to come over, rub against our leg and turn their heads up for a quick ear scratch.
All that love that was bottled up inside me now has an outlet; they have healed my broken heart and allowed me to accept God's will for my life. They have freed me to love and work with the children of others. They have shown me what unconditional love is. A love that says, "I love you because you are you." The kind of love my Father shows to me continually.
I can go to church on Mother's day now. There is a sad remembrance, but no pain. As the pastor commands the mothers in the sanctuary to "stand up" I sit and clap for them and think about those furry creatures at my house who will soon be sitting in my lap and resting their heads on my computer keys. God's plans for us are not always our plans, they are so much better!
